Thursday, 6 June 2013
Is it possible to disappear if your already gone?
Well is it?
I don't deserve my life, the people I know now or the future people I may or may not meet and include in my life.
I believe we all have a purpose and our lives touch thousands as we live. I think I was a mistake. My purpose is to remind people to believe in themselves and not end up like me. Like me, pathetically and selfishly wanting and waiting to die. Hell is where I will face my demons for eternity. God is gracious. God is good and kind. His unconditional love as is families love all I have and reject. Borderline personality disorder does not define me as I define it. It's not a label but ease to understand how I think and act.
I don't know if anyone reads the crap I dribble and I don't care. I'm not touching lives I'm living a life already lived. There are people like me who move on and there are people who finally succeed through suicide. I'm stuck somewhere in between.
I have no friends. I don't know the music on the radio. I don't cry in sad movies and I laugh at horror. I dream the same dreams repeatedly and of the same places.
What do I want? I want to disappear. I'm lost in a world I never entered because I was already born. Yes I list of a lot of fond ratifying statements that Coenside each other and I can't think of the word that rally defines what I mean cow I'm stupid.
I'm sorry for who I am and the people I know having to put up with me. My will sits on my dressing table.
I've cleaned my room out and given away possessions. People won't come to my funeral to celebrate my life because of my selfishness and the shame I will bring people. Hopefully I'm fed to the sharks or pulled apart by a fox or something I deserve.
I apologize if this blog brings you down with me. It shouldn't because you'll be thinking " dayumm girl, pull yourself together !" But the thing is. Until I let go and want to live my life I will be in this hole that grows deeper each breathe I take. I can't see a month ahead of time, let alone a week or a day.
Should I just jump in the car and disappear or what? Where do I go and how do I get there?? Get so far away and disappear. Alleviating the burden of myself on others without the shame of my pathetic death. The sooner people are without me the better.
See what the morning brings....