Monday, 17 June 2013

27days 10hours 44minutes & 19 seconds

27days 10hours 44minutes & 19 seconds
.  That's the amount of time counting down to one day. My birthday. My 20th. 

Honestly I didn't think I would make it 
and there is still time to suggest It wont.

27 days and 44 minutes. This time. Is it a limit or a stretch? When I think about it I question what ill I learn in this space of time to what I do now? Will my oppinion on abortion and vote in th up coming election change? Will I have new scars? Will someone I know die. Will I lose weight or get fatter? Will I be alone? Will I almost get out of this hole? 
27 days to 27 years will this depression last? BPD is a thought process not a curable thing. 
Can I afford to stay on my medications? Will I admire someone new? Questions. Questions are all we are going to face in life. There are no real answers because it only matters what you think for yourself and your happy itch that understanding then you have your answer. 
Me? I am the one in question. I have no doubt about heaven and God. I believe in Christianity. I may not feel like God is by my side but I know at the end I am being carried. 
Is that my answer? Have I already answered my question? How can I be so down and depressed when the worst thing which is the thug I want to die is going to heaven and with so many I have already said goodbye to. 
Although my difference is suicide. Suicide sends you to hell. After I post this blog I'm going on eBay to purchase Dante's inferno and see what I can gain from that and hopefully my fire will be lite from this depression and I can read again! 

If we have nothing to lose in life and everything to gain why I we so public about confrontation and afflictions? Anything meaningful is worthless as it is committed to the hands of The Lord. 

I probably sound as if I'm cheering up. Believe me I'm not. I will still wake up tomorrow with my own devices and states of mind. I will continue to fight for my life each day. 

I don't think my blog teaches much or offers hope to anyone. It wouldn't even make a good book. But it's a way of making sense of confusion when your laying down to sleep. 

If you believe in me the way I believe in you, nothing could be more stronger or more beautiful. Hope can rise as heads fall down with tears. Fears change your view and dreams dim your hope but afflictions do not make your life. Not one thing will define your life. Name, feelings, skin colour and hair are irrelevant. 

Close your eyes, hear your heart beat, breathe deeply and really live for a minute. Jus try it. 


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