Monday, 24 June 2013

My ears are burning. Who's guilty?

It seems to be always at night right while I am trying to fall asleep that I think to blog but then the effort to do so and light that would shine in my eyes is unbearable.

I have not been up to much. I still cannot bring myself to read books though I have watched many many films over the last few days majority of which were horror. my mind is in a bit of a conundrum from all the witches and spirits and demonic things the mind can think, but it was only today whilst watching World War Z in 3D in cinema that I found myself taken a step back. I am a zombie fan when it comes to 'The Walking Dead' and it always plagues me how when the apocalypse happens, "the dead will rise". It is comforting to know Brad Pitt will survive the zombies but the film was too much like "2012" just escaping in the nick of time. Anyhow it got me thinking though, what would I do in a zombie apocalypse? I don't have a gun and I don't think I could have much energy to run. Because all these films are in America they have so many more weapons and defence forces than us so of course they will be the first to tackle...
I have officially been mind fucked. No more movies, please. Apart from the most recent Harry Potter film on TV. The plan has worked though watching so many films and upping sodium valproate have stopped my brain having abusive dreams.

Over the last week I have actually begun to appreciate my family and see how lucky I really am. I wont go into the corny humble crap because honestly you need to be in the mood to do that and I don't think I am other than when I am about to sleep.

I have begun to play the piano again and violin again. Music and the way you play is a great time consumer and brain teaser. Always feel smarter after doing either.
Playing an instrument is like driving a manual car, it's an art.

I'm sorry. When I have something worth blogging about, I'll be back.
Don't hold your breathe. Peace x

Thursday, 20 June 2013

It's always darkest just before the dawn.

If I got a hammer and smashed my wrist/arm do you think it would break? 
Am I already too broken to be plastered together.  If the bone broke through the skin I think I might pass out.
Why I think these things before I sleep I cannot say. 

I don't like showing my feelings. Infact I struggle to believe I have them at all. I'm now turning three blogs into one. Perfect example of a borderlines mind. From one numbless act onto another. Or maybe I'm just chaotically a pain in the ass. This is why I have no friends, or why I have never had any real friends. 
People cross paths and you can always find someone anyone to talk to, same as if you go shopping with the intention if buying you are going to buy something.

With all these intentions pulsing through are veins leads me to question why I'm so embarrassed of myself. I am a real pain in the ass. Why someone doesn't run me over or cut my breaks like I dream every night I don't know. But the more I think about myself the more I want to cut it away, starve it, erase it and ignore it. I think I have control and then I burden someone else. I'm honestly sorry. 
Intentions? To directions and perceptions. Fault may prevail but the sun will rise. 

Stay awake with me and let's you prove them wrong. 
It's always darkest until the dawn . - rise against x

Monday, 17 June 2013

27days 10hours 44minutes & 19 seconds

27days 10hours 44minutes & 19 seconds
.  That's the amount of time counting down to one day. My birthday. My 20th. 

Honestly I didn't think I would make it 
and there is still time to suggest It wont.

27 days and 44 minutes. This time. Is it a limit or a stretch? When I think about it I question what ill I learn in this space of time to what I do now? Will my oppinion on abortion and vote in th up coming election change? Will I have new scars? Will someone I know die. Will I lose weight or get fatter? Will I be alone? Will I almost get out of this hole? 
27 days to 27 years will this depression last? BPD is a thought process not a curable thing. 
Can I afford to stay on my medications? Will I admire someone new? Questions. Questions are all we are going to face in life. There are no real answers because it only matters what you think for yourself and your happy itch that understanding then you have your answer. 
Me? I am the one in question. I have no doubt about heaven and God. I believe in Christianity. I may not feel like God is by my side but I know at the end I am being carried. 
Is that my answer? Have I already answered my question? How can I be so down and depressed when the worst thing which is the thug I want to die is going to heaven and with so many I have already said goodbye to. 
Although my difference is suicide. Suicide sends you to hell. After I post this blog I'm going on eBay to purchase Dante's inferno and see what I can gain from that and hopefully my fire will be lite from this depression and I can read again! 

If we have nothing to lose in life and everything to gain why I we so public about confrontation and afflictions? Anything meaningful is worthless as it is committed to the hands of The Lord. 

I probably sound as if I'm cheering up. Believe me I'm not. I will still wake up tomorrow with my own devices and states of mind. I will continue to fight for my life each day. 

I don't think my blog teaches much or offers hope to anyone. It wouldn't even make a good book. But it's a way of making sense of confusion when your laying down to sleep. 

If you believe in me the way I believe in you, nothing could be more stronger or more beautiful. Hope can rise as heads fall down with tears. Fears change your view and dreams dim your hope but afflictions do not make your life. Not one thing will define your life. Name, feelings, skin colour and hair are irrelevant. 

Close your eyes, hear your heart beat, breathe deeply and really live for a minute. Jus try it. 


Thursday, 13 June 2013


I close my eyes to darkness and surrender myself to darkness when my eyes are awake. 
I sleep, I eat, I stand up and stumble.
But what does it all mean? 
I can't run, whistle or see. There is but no light. 
I feel the burning of my skin and flames of my sin. 
12 steps right and 10 steps backwards. 
No way around, i fall to the ground. 
Down, down , down. 

No sound. No tears of belief or resentment of fear. 

I lay here still and wait
for everything. 
Down, down, down. 
Help me . Happiness where for aut thou?

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Psalm 51:10

So the good Lord has blessed me and now I can't sleep because I am so awake. I've taken my handful of pills but I'm still buzzin. 
Thinking about how I crave for a purpose. When I wake up I want there to b a place I need to  be or someone I want to see but there is no one and ther is nothing. 

Some might say I'm lonely but I'm the one that pushes everyone away. 

I pray that God forgives me my sins and keeps me safe, that may my family be blessed and those hungry eat and those hurting be healed. But I? Help me to be forgotten and to disappear so everyone is better off without me.  That I burden no one further with my morbid talk and suicidality, with my sarcastic depressing charm and heavy person to bare. 

I am so sorry of who I am. 
I can not cry unless I see someone else crying. I cannot look people in the eye when they look at me and I cannot feel anything but pain and remorse every breathe I take though I'm clueless to what my own actions have heen but at the hand of others. 

I am so very sorry. Amen

Psalm 51:10
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a stead fast spirit within me. 

The ache to disappear.

Here I am again! to bitch some more about the world.

Have you ever wanted to just disappear? But what happens when you disappear? Right now my struggle is with my nightmares. The surviving of abuse and rape is not so fantastic. Its like you were a crystal glass, shiny and perfect and now you were thrown at a brick wall, shattering into billions of miniature pieces and day by day another piece is blown away or stepped on.
Okay, so that wasn't a very good metaphor or example because no one knows what it is like to be a inanimate object.
My issues at the moment are I've realised I am in a way afraid of the male type. I want nothing to do with any sexual behaviour. I don't care if I was married and it was sinless. I just can't. I'm too broken and I am scared to be fixed. I am afraid so terribly afraid.
All my dreams lately are focussed on being rapped or chased or I'm blind and being chased. which basically according to dream psychology which is simple.
Although is it? There are so many reasons as to why people dream, when they should, how often they should but how and when they do is not always correct. It comes down again as per everyone is different. That is all there is to it.
I can't explain life any better than you can. We all experience it different so there is no proper way to live it.
I don't know where I am anymore. I think it would be best if I just swam out to sea until I could no longer get any further. Oh that was in my dream last night too! Now I remember I had to hang on to a rope as my family was on holidays and a chopper took us out to sea but I fell out and dropped in the ocean and my fear of immensity set in and I was drowning suffering and screaming at the top of my lungs. Better yet there was raw T-bone steaks floating around me and I couldn't see a boat or land.
Mind you, I prefer that part of the dream then the abusing parts.
My father has told me I wouldn't have so many nightmares if I didn't watch so many horror films. The thing is horror films don't scare me because they are not real! But oh no I did what he said and haven't watched any in orever and I have them worse then ever. My plan tonight is to stay up as late as possible and then a handful of mixed pills.
I could follow my self care plans and ring a hotline or any of the number of psychologists consulting me but why? No one can change the past. Yes, they can say some words to help me. But I need to learn to help myself. Pathetic I know. I sicken myself. I am so shamed and guilty and horrified. I have short hair now to. Why? Because instead of cutting my arms I have now taken to hacking at my hair. Leave a rats nest for the hairdressers to fix.
Someone asked me the other day what my favourite TV shows were, that I absolutely had to watch. I couldn't say one. Sure there are things I would watch if they were on but I don't follow any of them and weight my life upon them. (I already had my obsessions when I was 13 if you've read my my chem blog you will understand).
I know a woman in my group therapy, she is the perfect example of someone who weights there life upon something completely out of their own control. That's exactly the reason I don't, because I need control. I NEED IT! and yet I am so out of control.
Anyway, this women, would die for port power. She watches every game no matter what, wears only port power merchandise and even paints her nails. I can understand why she does it. I can understand why anyone would weight their life on something. 1. control and 2. Something to focus on so they don't have to focus on themselves. == Because dedicating yourself to a consuming activity is side tracking away from control but feels as if they are in control because they know what there life is about. If that makes sense? It does to me.
Can anyone really have a favourite TV show? I think we have new ones all the time because they are constantly being made and being renewed and improved.
One film I stumbled across has became my favourite because I admire it. Sophie's Choice, aka Meryl streep, living life after WW2 after having to chose which of her children will live and die once off the train at the extermination camp Auswitz.
Have I bored you enough for one night? I think so.
Auf Wiedersehen!

Life expectancy collaboration

We all know drugs. Illegal, medicinal, frowned upon, prescription, over the counter, placebos and others alike.

What does taking so many tablets that you rattle indicate? But hey there is sometimes a liquid form. Usually a lot easier to break down instead of crushing and extracting or growing. 

Pick your poison. 

By now we all know I'm suicidal. Shocker I know but for some of my medications previously listed the warning of my life expectancy is decreased.... Which is ironic because they are increasing it by keeping me alive essentially. Oh the irony. 

Friday, 7 June 2013

Suffocating emotions consuming the dead and the alive.

Remember when you went to primary school and the teachers and your parents, all the adults you looked up to told you, you could be anything you wanted? We all wanted to be veterinarians, doctors, nurses and other noble career choices. Little did we understand the ever-growing stair case of life we were climbing. 
I can't say if I could go back to a simpler time I would because then I would have to go through so much again. Life is as long as you live it. Oh and what's that? I have the word definition now of oxymoron. Emphasis of the moron as that's what I've grown up to be. I'm a moron. I'm a pathetic bitter  disappointment and I pray for forgiveness every day.

There are things I could say or things I could do that may lead to happiness but thy only last so long. I don't want to grow up but not wanting to grow up is when you do grow up because you realize the missing simplicity of life and the innocence of sense. 

A leopard can't change it's spots and yet a caterpillar can turn into a butterfly. Change is life. But growing up to only die young doesn't make sense. None of my rambling makes sense and yet I continue type and avoiding stopping and really think about my shame. 

I'm about an inch away from cutting my hair off. Why? Well why not? Hair grows back eventually. Another change that cancels out. 

Does life cancel out? Take a time out? Does life give us the time of day? Life can give us something to believe in, something to lose and memories if you dare make them. 

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Think about it.

Somewhere someone had the worst day of their life.
Someone lost a child, infant, child, teenager and adult. 
Somewhere some one had the greatest memorable day of their life. Someone got married, got a pet, a new car and gave birth. 
Someone somewhere is happy. Someone somewhere isn't thinking about me. 

Is it possible to disappear if your already gone?

Well is it? 
I don't deserve my life, the people I know now or the future people I may or may not meet and include in my life. 
I believe we all have a purpose and our lives touch thousands as we live. I think I was a mistake. My purpose is to remind people to believe in themselves and not end up like me. Like me, pathetically and selfishly wanting and waiting to die. Hell is where I will face my demons for eternity. God is gracious. God is good and kind. His unconditional love as is families love all I have and reject. Borderline personality disorder does not define me as I define it. It's not a label but ease to understand how I think and act. 

I don't know if anyone reads the crap I dribble and I don't care. I'm not touching lives I'm living a life already lived. There are people like me who move on and there are people who finally succeed through suicide. I'm stuck somewhere in between. 

I have no friends. I don't know the music on the radio. I don't cry in sad movies and I laugh at horror. I dream the same dreams repeatedly and of the same places. 
What do I want? I want to disappear. I'm lost in a world I never entered because I was already born. Yes I list of a lot of fond ratifying statements that Coenside each other and I can't think of the word that rally defines what I mean cow I'm stupid. 

I'm sorry for who I am and the people I know having to put up with me. My will sits on my dressing table. 
I've cleaned my room out and given away possessions. People won't come to my funeral to celebrate my life because of my selfishness and the shame I will bring people. Hopefully I'm fed to the sharks or pulled apart by a fox or something I deserve. 

I apologize if this blog brings you down with me. It shouldn't because you'll be thinking " dayumm girl, pull yourself together !" But the thing is. Until I let go and want to live my life I will be in this hole that grows deeper each breathe I take. I can't see a month ahead of time, let alone a week or a day.   

Should I just jump in the car and disappear or what? Where do I go and how do I get there?? Get so far away and disappear. Alleviating the burden of myself on others without the shame of my pathetic death. The sooner people are without me the better. 

See what the morning brings.... 
Peace SK.   

Sunday, 2 June 2013


I am home now in my parents home rather than hospital home or home in the city.
I have no job, no career, no goals, no expectancies to my life.

Ive spent them last two days in hospital after i woke up there one morning. Story goes it was typical friday night where familiy friends come ovr for drinks and beers and my room mates mother is one of them even though she is a terrible person we still welcome her because shhe has no one else.
A simple example of a horrible/terrible person would not be sufficient for this manopulative, backstarting rumour starting pathetic mole.
I should not let her crap get to me but it does the way she treats my mother and I and for no damn reason. My mother is the most caring person in the planet, and when I see her hurt, knowing its my fault complicates things.
So I had been dreaming and struggling from the words of this devil and I just wanted a good sleep, that is all I wanted. Unhanunted dreams, I begged. I took pill after pill, 5 after 10 until I thought would be enough sedative.
my mother soon found me and i was cold and numb and the friends over wwere also trying to rouse me and get me talking but i was gone, so i was rushed to hsopital trip and pumped free and woke up the next day wondering how on earth I got there. It was the most scariest experience ever. Something you read in a book, not experience.
The question is, "what now"?
my parents are going to USA for another holiday for 5 weeks. They doubt if I will live through it and so do I, so talk of putting me in hospital or whatever i think will be the case.
How did my life come to this?
Why am i such a retard?
Why can't I just leave everyone alone instead of being such a burden. I am told people want me around, but to do what?
What do I want to do with my life other than end it?
These are the questions that taughnt me as I lay down to sleep. And to the people that make you feel this way 'FUCK YOU'. No ondeserves to feel unsafe in their own home, unloved by another or rejected like a fool.
Only God can save us.