Monday, 20 May 2013
Having trouble sleeping so thought I would clear my head by putting thoughts to words and announcing my turmoil.
My housemate and I have an inspection tomorrow so we were just rushing around cleaning and shoving items here and there then cleaning my room pushing everything under the bed. Works a treat and now the unit is partially presentable.
It is said to rain tomorrow, I have to get up early and attend my group therapy across the other side of the city, so after a lovely hour and half on the bus ill have to walk in the cold and raining weather.
Supposedly raining Wednesday too which should cause some turbulence on my flight to QLD for a holiday with my brother mum and dad. My mum and I are going to swim with dolphins. My family is beautiful and all I see is ugly. I don't deserve to have such a family. God has blessed me and even still I can't be thankful and appreciate them and please them because I'm selfish. Suicide is selfish.
QLD, Gold Coast holds significance to our family as every year from age 4 to 13 we went on a yearly holiday to the Gold Coast before we graduated to USA trips. So going back to QLD and staying in the first hotel we did the first time is amazing. From age 4 now to 19. That itself will probably make me depressed and ever since I was told today (because my parents flew up today) they are staying on the 14th floor, and a jump from that height should be enough to kill me.
It's all I can think about, so I will just stay on my meds. Eat healthy. Drink water and breathe. I'm daunted because I see this holiday for a week and then what? Back to reality? Back to nothingness? Back to being the worthless piece of shit I am. I wish I could hold onto the innocence I childhood. That will be the main depression pull down I think of QLD of what is the past and you can't change but you can move on. So maybe a break is all I need to regain strength to come back fighting for a life worth living. My mind, a suicidal mind struggles to look ahead of time, to determine times and dates is pleasure, but after that you are left with nothing because you can't see what's around the corner. What the next day will bring because you might not be alive to live it. And you can't live your life with one quick fix of an event after another, or is that all life is? Life is what you make it they say, well life can be ended purposely, mistakingly, accidentally and the most common fear. Fear is the end all in life.
I think I have said enough morbid philosophy examples for one night...
Sorry about the burden casted,