Tuesday, 14 May 2013

A brief moment in time.

Forgive me for being short. It's late and I spontaneously decided to create a blog. I always wanted to write a novel. I had written 36 pages before the file went corrupt and I was unable to retrieve the data. I took this as a message from God I was not meant to be an author. So instead of a book confessional I will now have a blogger confessional. I appolagise in advance now for any future bluntness, morbid talk, sarcasm, dry humour and honesty. I have no time for lies, the sooner an objective is met the better
. So where to begin? I'll give you the background info next blog but for now ill just state I'm in a fragile state. I came out of my third mental hospital admission last week and turned my world upside down. I have severe depression, borderline personality disorder which results in constant suicide ideation. I am on a bucket load of meds, from antipsychotics to antidepressants to anticonvulsants and anti anxiety. They do make things manageable.
Lately though after moving to the city from a small country town I thought things would improve but no, they have not.
I have as of last monday withdrawn from university. To gt to this decision my parents found out I was in hospital made it clear I was not coping and brough me back to our town because I'm a Dante to myself basically. I have toxic thoughts. And without medication I believe I would be dead. I still wish I was. Can always kill myself tomorrow. I can't think now what I'm writing about. My head is in the clouds. I'm not sure what to do with myself, I guess I'm hoping this blog helps me clear the fog infront of my eyes.
Oh I also attend a day hospital, across town every week to participate in a group therapy. It's 40 weeks and I've only done 13 weeks so I can talk about that if my blog is boring. I'm not sure if I'm writing this to be read or for myself? Much the same as I don't believe I'm Alive for me. I think I'm alive to honour my mother and father. I am a Lutheran and trust in God through the hard times even though I'm a desperate cutter. Countless scars and stitches. Pick your poison really.

That's probably enough to overflow anyone for one night.
May God Bless, Sarah-Kate

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