A daytime nightmare of survival. Mental Health Advocate A decrepit narrative of a young girls survival through chronic and mental illnesses. Starring Anorexia Nervosa & depression, deep emotional thoughts being my release of what plaques me to those you are not alone. And now we face pregnancy. Insta@chronic_survival_
Sunday, 22 December 2013
To care or not to care.
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Not again.
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
Saturday, 16 November 2013
Imminent nightmare.
Friday, 15 November 2013
As I fade in the dark.
Puke my ribs.
Sunday, 10 November 2013
Where's my guardian angel tonight?
Falling skies.
Tuesday, 8 October 2013
Timelessness presence.
Unforgiving the forgotten,
Saturday, 28 September 2013
Bury me in satin.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
The permanent uphill battle.
Friday, 20 September 2013
All the real people are not real at all.
Thursday, 5 September 2013
Thinking back.
Saturday, 31 August 2013
my conscience alongside my co-existance.
( to go with the scrapbook I've made )
Saturday, 17 August 2013
Instinct
instinct. The sixth supposed sense. Is it a sense? or is it an inheritable belief of something more, something far beyond our comprehension.
I ask of this sense as few learn to recognise it and use it. Whether it's “I have a funny feeling” or “This doesn't feel right”, both leading to more conscience based feelings but still a sense leading further. A sense you cannot control. A talent maybe?
I know I am watching a good film if part way though catching my breathe I happen to think 'What if?“ some of the things you see are not far from the truth. What if we are all part of something, something much bigger than our comprehension. I believe we are. There is too much in this world to go on faith alone. You need a belief for if we had no belief we would have no purpose and no purpose would strive us to live a life.
We are intended to be here. And we all have a plan. Nothing just happens. Every death affects someone. Every birth is a mark.
Please God forgive us our sins.
Home alone in the country.
Loss of meaning - copy & pasted
Wednesday, 24 July 2013
Meal of horror
Saturday, 20 July 2013
Surprised and shun Sunday
Out of sunlight, out of mindful thinking
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
A reattributing vengeance
I have done it. I have seen the light. The light on my own stupidity and pety ignorance. I've lived 18 - 19 cutting with stitches, burning, starving and screaming. Through nightmares, terrors and sweats, overdoses and hearing voices. God, name it and I have survived it. The hurricane within myself with a tornado to the ground. I am now 20. A new beginning. Really no different to a week ago but I'm going to claim it so.
I was informed of my antics of the last overdose, collapsing off the toilet face first to the ground, my poor Christian mother to pick up the pieces, oh and I had my phone with me, the new shock proof cover is proving its value.
I'm writing so fiercely and gallantly it feels. I just watched “the campaign”' to try and get the 1890 folk talk out of my head but it seems to be filling my head. Deadwood is just too good a show to turn off. Onto be in simpler times, simpler in ways but complicated in other ways. That is why I think reincarnation or past life bullshit is a load of crap. Every era is worth living so you can only live once, no one picks and choses oh hey I'm going to be wealthy here and run a saloon then riding a dinosaur as a microscopic bacteria embrio. But hey, you can believe in Santa so if you wanna believe that, good luck to you.
The thing is no matter what situation you may find yourself it can always be compared to someone worth. There's always going to be someone richer poorer, better looking, uglier etc its what choices you make and how you interpret them.
And money is always the source of evil. Who do you think would be happier, a kid in the early 1950s with a balloon or a ball in cup, or a kid with an iPad or Xbox? Naturally you would assume the second and yet the rate of depressive disorders rise.
Forget surveys, forgetting whatever mumbo-jumbo I'm rambling about and look at yourself, and what your going to focus on tomorrow, that is if you live through the night.
By the way my death situation last night was smoke inhalation. My fan engine failed and fumes filled my room, no fire as no heat from randomly not using my heater, and my ultrasonic vaporiser purifying the air. I woke to the smell and after dealing with it went back to sleep to wonder if it was a dream. It smelt like electrical burns so I'm lucky there was no backfire to my house catching fire.
The ifs and buts may catch you, but it happened out of my control. Now I have another old fan, questioning myself if it will fail or not. Can I take the chance? Can I I take the one in six chance of winning the deal or no deal?
I can go to bed and stop this nonsense.
P.s I apologise the rubbish talk of this becoming a published novel, for several reasons. Mainly this is hardly something classical to read compared to the ever popular “ diary of Anne Frank”' then again as I say, different times, the Fuehrer is dead and I am not living in hiding in an attic behind a bookcase. I am what some may call in modern times, not talking about technical advances as such as first world problems. Cripes, Shakespeare would roll over in his grave to know that the language he made poetic is now a dance of offensive contemptuous blasphemy and ridicule.
Monday, 15 July 2013
Sudden thought; sudden death.
Dear God, make me a bird.
Sunday, 14 July 2013
Another day, another organ failure.
Why did you let me swallows pills?
Monday, 8 July 2013
Ripping open a wound? Cutting a new one is better.
So what are our wounds?
Lacerations or gun shot wounds? What about heart break or despair? Anxiety an fear. The confusion of emotions often leads to more emotions causing more pain and more emotions of more thoughts and what have you. The list just goes on. and on. and on.
You think you have a partner. Your innocent sweet 16. And that one person you let in takes something so precious and meaningful to your well-being that you crumble at their feet. You can't look back because sooner or later its all happening out of your control you don't even realize the extent of the wounds being made. Your religious beliefs shut down. Your self esteem lost. Your virginity stolen. Your feelings numbed. Your phone thrown against the wall. Your location unknown. Your face in a constant gaze. You can't even watch a movie without being touched inappropriately. What about your thoughts mocked? The disgusting tongue from a mouth that doesn't brush their teeth forced inside you mouth, your body invading your soul. All the wounds in the world I could describe were felt within myself until suicide is my only option short of starving myself and cutting. Cutting always makes better wounds. Wounds you can control. Wounds that can heal, sure there is a scar but thats better to show then your face which constantly reminds you of grief. every look in the mirror is as painful as pins in your eyes.
All I have is describe how I feel and the past in what best few words I could. Nothing can explain what abuse is all about. I only hope you don't recognize what I have written. I have to stop myself from writing more because I need to take my medication and go to bed to wake for another day of therapy.
I never have good dreams. I need to stop.
One last thing.
It was a year ago I ripped open my wound. Stitches to ovedoses and hospital and mental institution stays. Medication, scars and just when I think i'm starting to get better it all comes crashing down. Here I was thinking hey I'm 20 in 7 days. I lived a year longer then I thought I would and then I was asked an unexpected question about my ex and now it has me thinking and I can feel it all flooding back, like a mite burrowing up my skin. At the end of the day, you can't hide who or what you are. You cannot change. You can go either direction and you can always kill yourself tomorrow.
After all this My Chemical Romance always Get me through. Even though they have broken up, when I listen to "Light behind your eyes" I feel as if they are singing to me and still care and are there for me when I need them. Music - What you can always believe in, where you will always find hope <3
My train of though is being put to bed now.
Until we meet another day. Peace.
Persuading prejudice.
Saturday, 6 July 2013
8 days before the unconditional superficial hour.
Monday, 1 July 2013
Why? When? Die?
Monday, 24 June 2013
My ears are burning. Who's guilty?
I have not been up to much. I still cannot bring myself to read books though I have watched many many films over the last few days majority of which were horror. my mind is in a bit of a conundrum from all the witches and spirits and demonic things the mind can think, but it was only today whilst watching World War Z in 3D in cinema that I found myself taken a step back. I am a zombie fan when it comes to 'The Walking Dead' and it always plagues me how when the apocalypse happens, "the dead will rise". It is comforting to know Brad Pitt will survive the zombies but the film was too much like "2012" just escaping in the nick of time. Anyhow it got me thinking though, what would I do in a zombie apocalypse? I don't have a gun and I don't think I could have much energy to run. Because all these films are in America they have so many more weapons and defence forces than us so of course they will be the first to tackle...
I have officially been mind fucked. No more movies, please. Apart from the most recent Harry Potter film on TV. The plan has worked though watching so many films and upping sodium valproate have stopped my brain having abusive dreams.
Over the last week I have actually begun to appreciate my family and see how lucky I really am. I wont go into the corny humble crap because honestly you need to be in the mood to do that and I don't think I am other than when I am about to sleep.
I have begun to play the piano again and violin again. Music and the way you play is a great time consumer and brain teaser. Always feel smarter after doing either.
Playing an instrument is like driving a manual car, it's an art.
I'm sorry. When I have something worth blogging about, I'll be back.
Don't hold your breathe. Peace x